Confessions Of A Redneck Mountain Town
by Blue0ctane
Summary: The gang advances to high school with their own challenges that are bloated from the drama of living in a redneck mountain town.


In the small mountain town of South Park, Colorado, a gang of four teenage boys met each other by the bus stop, just like usual. Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, and Kenny McCormick were some of the best friends the world has ever known, and they definitely acted the part. They had been meeting at this bus stop since fourth grade. Now they had started high school and would be taking the bus to the brand-new South Park Community High School.

"Guys, we've been doing the same thing for five damn years," Stan sighed impatiently as they waited for the bus. Stan was a tall boy with black hair and piercing blue eyes.

"I know what you mean," Kyle agreed. Kyle was of medium-height with a traditional Jewish hook nose and red, curly hair, of which he usually kept hidden under a hat. "It seems like the world is going to keep throwing the same old crap at us until we all die." Stan suddenly had an image of the four boys, twenty, all reading magazines in a waiting room, waiting for a job interview. Then he imagined them all, forty, working at a bank and making money, with Kenny helping out his poor family. Then the gang at age seventy standing outside of the social security office. It made him shiver.

"You know guys," Cartman proclaimed in his trademark obnoxious voice, "my mother says that when you get older, you're allowed to go to strip bars and get lap dances and hook up with people in 69's..." His voice trailed off in thought. "What's a 69?" he continued. Cartman was a rather fat kid with brown hair who was always thinking up diabolical schemes to make ten million dollars.

"It's where you eat a chick out and she sucks your cock at the same time!" Kenny exclaimed in an excited mumble. Due to Kenny's orange hood, people had a difficult time understanding him, but the boys had known each other since preschool and had become accustomed to his style of talking. The four boys laughed.

Just then the bus pulled up. It was the first day of high school and the boys were praying that because they were being chartered to a different location that they would have a different bus driver. But no, Mrs. Crabtree was still the resident chaperone, high-pitched screeches and all. "GET IN THE DAMN BUS, SIT DOWN, AND SHUT UP!" she hooted at the children. Kyle always thought that her voice resembled a raven's cawing. "Yes ma'am," Cartman said to himself as the four boys boarded the bus. Cartman, like always, had a bit of difficulty fitting through the doors.

The bus ride was uneventful, as usual. The ride was about a mile longer than it was to get to the elementary school, but in the opposite direction, so the boys didn't see any familiar landmarks. In fact, out of habit, Stan nearly asked Mrs. Crabtree if she was lost, but knew that he'd just be yelled at. Kyle wanted to check his cell phone for reception to call his parents telling them that he was being abducted, but realized that Mrs. Crabtree would give him a referral before the first day of school even started. Cartman wanted to eat some chocolate pie, but he decided not to because Mrs. Crabtree would scold him for making crumbs. "Plus," he thought, "I'd be called a fatass again." And Kenny desperately wanted to jump out of the window to escape this crazy terrorist that was obviously going to crash the bus into a building, but he knew that he'd just die anyway. So the four boys sat together in fear of their new school.

The bus pulled up to a parking lot. The gang couldn't really see the school at first because of a massive building blocking their view. But, as Stan realized, it was the school! It was a gargantuan three-story building that was as beautiful as you'd see in a redneck town. Cars were parked all over the place, with people skateboarding, playing basketball, and just hanging out outside of the entrance. "WOW!" the four boys exclaimed simultaneously. "It's huuuuuuuuuuge," Cartman said in awe. "Just like your fat ass, fatass!" Kenny snickered. "Aye, shut your goddamn mouth, you fucking hippie!" was Cartman's comeback.

Cartman, like usual, was completely ignored, and the four boys stepped out together and decided to find their first period class. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny all had Geometry as their first period, but Cartman had Pre-Algebra. "What the hell?" Cartman yelled and questioned at the same time. "I specifically requested to the authoritahs that we all be put in the same classes, but they obviously did not respect my authoritah!" Cartman often adopted a professional voice with a large vocabulary whenever he was too agiated for curse words. "Whatever, dude, we're heading off to GEOMETRY!" Kyle teased. "SCREW YOU GUYS, I AM GOING HOME!" Cartman yelled back.

But where Cartman did go was the office. "I WANT TO KNOW WHY THE HELL I WAS NOT PUT IN THE SAME CLASS WITH MY THREE FRIENDS!" he hollered, slamming an in/out tray against the receptionist's desk. "THEY ALL HAVE GEOMETRY AND I HAVE STUPID PRE-AL!"

"What is your name?" the receptionist asked.

"Eric Cartman!" he shouted.

"Hold on just a second," the receptionist calmly told him.

"I don't WANT to hold on for a second, I want to be put into my friend's classes!" Cartman said to himself.

"Ah, Eric Cartman," the receptionist said. "It seems that you have been marked as a challenged student," she politely informed Cartman. "This means that you are being put into easier classes so you can get A's and pass the grade!"

"WHAT THE BLOODY FUCKING SHIT?" he exclaimed at the top of his lungs. "I AM NOT RETARDED YOU FUCKING BLACK HIPPIE BASTARD ASSHOLES!"

To be continued... 


End file.
